Let's Talk About It

As I mentioned, I was depressed on some level. Besides being depressed, I was scared and anxious. My emotions were out of control. I would vacillate from being and feeling ok, to crying uncontrollably,  to be so angry. It was stressful on me and on my family. I had been a person who loved to go out to eat with them, and I was finally starting to try new foods. Suddenly, food became the center of arguments, and I felt tortured watching people eat what I couldn't or wouldn't because I was so scared of eating and getting sick. I needed to heal, but how?

I decided after meeting with an integrative medicine physician that I would go talk with a health psychologist. This is a person who helps people deal with health issues and their affects on your mental and emotional state. Now, at this point I am not an open person where I feel comfortable crying and being the center of attention. Or even worse, telling someone my secrets of not wanting to eat and only eating a few things. I had to change this though. I was causing my family and myself pain with my food and sickness issues.

I felt like I jumped off a cliff into the unknown. So scared. Thankfully, this health psychologist turned out to be wonderful. She was calm and reasonable. She listened and didn't judge me. She let me cry and told me it was normal to being feeling this way after what I had been going through. I just felt like a scrawny, blubbering mess and that I was slowly losing my mind.

The best thing that she taught me was to breathe. Now that sounds a little silly. Don't we all know ho to breath? Evidently not. I learned to breath through the stress and anxiety. She showed me how to use biofeedback and breathe within my abdomen and up into my chest. My goal at first, was to stay focused for five breaths like this. Simple! Actually, not so much. I was amazed at how quickly my mind would start thinking about something else, so I would start my breathing over. This is the best tool that I learned and still use today. Breathing the right way. The calming effect is amazing. If you haven't tried breathing, you have got to try it!

Ok, so I learned to breathe and that was helping with some of my anxiety and stress. Next, how the heck do I start to eat other foods? Foods that I know my body needs, but I am so scared to try. Her advice....... lick it. Seriously, that was it. Just lick it! If I can lick it once, then maybe the next time, I can nibble a piece or just put it in my mouth and spit it out. Crazy. I know. The good thing is that this goes through my head all of the time. Just lick it. The bad news is that I am still struggling with actually eating anything new.

She also helped me not feel like such a freak because I was eating differently than other people. The other phrase that sticks with me is "So  what?" So what if I bring my own food to a restaurant or just have water there? I am with my family and friends, right? So what if my tummy hurt a little or I had a few extra trips to the bathroom? So what if I made my life less stressful and actually enjoyed myself? So what if I broke this vicious cycle of sadness, anger, and pain? Wow, that would be great.

I saw her for a year, and I think it made a difference in how I perceive myself. I still use those phrases in my head. I am amazed at how calm they make me feel and how they center me so that I feel like am normal. I know I still I have a long road to go. She once said "it took you 4 years of sickness to feel this bad, give yourself at least that long to heal". That is my goal. 2012 is the year I start healing. This is the year I am allowing myself to be free to heal. I will get there no matter what long road I take. With the support of my family and friends, I can do it. I can do anything.